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Computer Tips 1
* Buy a Pentium 686/300, so you can reboot faster.
* 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2 (especially with the old Pentium chip).
* Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
* My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.
* C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
* C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
* Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put in new ones.
Computer Tips 2
* C:\ File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
* An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
* Windows: Just another pain in the glass.
* SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
* RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
* Press to continue …Smash forehead on keyboard to continue… Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue… Just do something!!
* Help! I’ve modemed and I can’t hang up!!
* Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
* Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
* Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…
* Hit any user to continue.
* I hit the CTRL key but I’m still not in control!
* Disk Full – Press F1 to belch.
* Backup not found: (A)bort ®etry (V)omit
* If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
* Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
* Real programmers don’t document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.”
12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts 1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book… if I still remember how.
I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime… and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
Letter To Tech Support
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, DrunkenBoys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!
Thanks,
Joe
No Compatibility
A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What’s the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You’ll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You’ll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later
The User is still adamant that he is
right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That’s your problem there. That version of DOS didn’t come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me
know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE.
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