[jasper the rasper]

If you have any jokes, this is the place to post them.
But please remember adults and children view this site so lets keep them clean, any flouting of these rules and they will be deleted.

[jasper the rasper]

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read:
"S i r, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a p earl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

[Corrine]

Here's a new one to keep things Rockin': A geeky answer by Dad to son.

Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"

His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self-extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS.

Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:

"You've Got Male!"

[Tinker]

Love it!

[denis]

i hope this one isn't to old
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.






1. What do you put in a toaster?
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Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.








2. Say 'silk' five times.
Now spell 'silk.'
What do cows drink?
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>Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next
question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3





3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
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Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4





4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land'
between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors?
East Germany, West Germany , or no man's land'?
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Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.



5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on . In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
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Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you re member your own name? It was YOU!!







PS: don't feel too bad, 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

[jasper the rasper]

Corrine, on Feb 28 2009, 08:58 PM, said:

Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:

"You've Got Male!"

I love it


Thank you Denis.
I got the first 2 wrong

[jdc]

WORD PLAY

1. Energizer Bunny Arrested & Charged with Battery.

2. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

3. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

4. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

6. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

9. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

11. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

12. Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like bananas.

13. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

14. Without geometry, life is pointless.

15. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

16. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

17. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

18. What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

19. A backwards poet writes inverse.

20. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

21. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

22. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

23. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

24. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

25. A grenade in a French kitchen results in Linoleum Blownapart.

26. A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.

27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

28. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

29. A short fortune-teller escaped from prison is a small medium-at-large.

30. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

31. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine .

32. An actress who saw her first strands of grey hair thought she'd dye.

33. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[Corrine]

[denis]

testing

Attached File(s)

•  00035839.jpg (58.63K)
  Number of downloads: 2

[roddy32]

[jasper the rasper]

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY...

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL
HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE
KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S
THE SELF-HELP SECTION?"
SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER
WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO
KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED
ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID
SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE
RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

20. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS:
THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

21. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

22. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST
DROWN TOO?

23. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU
STILL BE HUNGRY?

24. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

25. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD LISP TO HAVE
"S" IN IT?

26. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED HEMORRHOIDS INSTEAD
OF ASSTEROIDS?

27. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

28. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

[jdc]

Redneck Playstation

Get 'em while you can!


CLICK HERE TO PLAY

[jasper the rasper]

Thank you JDC, I got a DECENT score.

[P.T.]

Ok I confess I love jokes. Here's one from me...

An Unfortunate Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean? I'm fine."
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"
"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

This post has been edited by P.T.: 11 July 2009 - 03:35 PM

[P.T.]

One more...

The Poor Drinker

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles."
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have.", said the man.
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man drunkenly replies, "I have a dollar."

[P.T.]

Last one for today...

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

1 Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

2 Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?

3 Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!

4 Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!

5 Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie

6 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

7 "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

8 Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

9 "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, he's got two of 'em

10 What do you mean "You want a divorce?"

[roddy32]

Jan is going to love you for this P.T. She is always looking for new jokes.

[P.T.]

Yup I'm a junkie, I love jokes. Glad you guys do as well.

[Fred Flintstone]

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......




A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

[P.T.]

Hi People new day new joke. I thought this one was cute.

Corked!

A guy walks into a bar with a cork shoved up his arse.
The Bartender asks him how it happened so the guys sighs and says:

"Well, I was walking along the beach when I came across this magic lantern. I picked it up and started to brush off the dirt when all of a sudden this genie pops out. The genie told me I could have three wishes and I said.. No [bleep]!"