[Fred Flintstone]

Irish Tradition

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.


So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake,

Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.


Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.


'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"



Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said,


"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen"....
>>
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>
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"And ye were born in August, ya bloody idiot!"

[Peaches4U]

Is this the way you fish? OR maybe fish.?

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.

[Peaches4U]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,

"Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."

[Peaches4U]

THE LAWS OF LIFE

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to
pee.

Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a
busy signal.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next
morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
you were in will start to move faster than the
one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know
increases dramatically when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine
won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are
furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something which
will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
landing face down on a floor covering are
directly correlated to the newness and cost of
the carpet/rug.

Law of Location
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you
are talking about.

Brown's Law
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law As soon as you find a
product that you really like, they will stop
making it. (this one is true every time!)

Doctors' Law If you don't feel well,
make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the
time you get there you'll feel better. Don't
make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

[jdc]

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of:
 
A defendant was on trial for murder.  There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. 
In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
 
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.  "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked
toward the courtroom door.  The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed.  Nothing happened.
 
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.  But you all looked on with anticipation.  I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
 
The jury retired to deliberate.   A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer.  "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, but your client didn't."

[Peaches4U]

T H E I T A L I A N E L B O W

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow , pusha button 301.

I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow , pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow , hit my doorbell."


"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"


Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "times up'?

[jdc]

Thanks, Peaches! put those in my 'Funnie Papers'

[jdc]

A crusty old man walks into a bank & says, "I wanna open a f***ing saving account.

"The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated here."

She goes to the bank manager to complain.

Manager agrees such foul language can't be accepted.

They both return to the window & ask the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

Old man: "There is no f***ing problem, I just won $200 million bucks in the f***ing lottery & I want to put my f***ing money in this f***ing bank.

"Manager: "I see....And is this b**ch giving you a f***ing hard time sir?"

Moral of the story:
When money talks, nobody checks the Grammar!

[Peaches4U]

[Fred Flintstone]

Excellent!!

[Fred Flintstone]

Another "Little Johnny" joke..

Teacher: if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?


Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?>


Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?


Johnny: Six Sir..

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?


Johnny: Seven!!!


The now very angry Teacher: Where in the Hell do you get seven from?!?!?


The now very frustrated Johnny said:


Because I've already got one f*ckin' cat at home!!!..

[jdc]

Thank you! Snagged that one too

[Peaches4U]

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying $#@*)## told you I was speeding, too.


Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

[jdc]

Thank you, Peaches and what an excellent idea for skirting a ticket