[bigc73542]

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This post has been edited by bigc73542: 28 July 2009 - 05:45 PM

[bigc73542]

                                    West Virginia Crazy Laws

If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined. 

Roadkill may be taken home for supper.
!

No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions." 

Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present. 

It is illegal to snooze on a train. 

According to the state constitution, it is unlawful for anyone to own a red or a black flag. 

When a railroad passes within 1 mile of a community of 100 or more people in it, they must build a station and stop there regularly to pick up and drop off passengers. 

Whistling underwater is prohibited. 

Alderson 
One may not walk a lion, tiger or leopard, even on a leash. 

Nicholas County 
No member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service. 

Huntington 
Firemen may not whistle or flirt at any woman passing a firehouse. 

It is legal to beat your wife so long as it is done in public on Sunday, on the courthouse steps.

This post has been edited by bigc73542: 30 July 2009 - 06:27 PM

[P.T.]

Kinda strange bigc Definitely one of things that just makes you go Hummmm

[Fred Flintstone]

Makes perfect sense to me!!..

Whistling under water would be dangerous I would have thought, you got to breath in sooner or later!!!..

This post has been edited by Fred Flintstone: 31 July 2009 - 04:23 PM

[Fred Flintstone]

LEARNING TO CUSS

A 6-year-old and 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year-old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'.

The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out."

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers,

"But you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

[Fred Flintstone]

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, VERY closely......

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A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

[P.T.]

I'm soooo lmao on the Learning to Cuss that's one I'll have to share with Hubby. I just love it.

[jasper the rasper]

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied...

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied... .... ....'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

[P.T.]

Sad to say I used to have a girl friend just about that dense.

[jdc]

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?'

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

[bigc73542]

"A mother was taking a shower when her2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"

[P.T.]

Yup one of those OMG kinda moments. LOL

[bigc73542]

A blonde in church

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.' 

No one moved. 

The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now, stand and confess your transgression.' 

Again, all was quiet. 

Then, slowly, a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 

'Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.' 

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

[jasper the rasper]

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

[Fred Flintstone]

This couple were about to celebrate their 100th birthday and were planning a trip abroad.

They decided to get a physical before leaving. They go to the doctors office and the wife is called in first. The doctor gives her a complete check up. Checks her heart, lungs and blood pressure. the doctor asks her if she has any questions or concerns. She replies no I feel fine.

Now the doctor is examining her husband. He gives him a complete exam. Checks his heart, lungs and blood pressure.
After telling the man that he is in fine shape for his age he asks tha man if he has any questions or concerns.
The man thinking for a minute says well yes I do have one concern.

One time when we were having sex I got soooo COLD it took me sometime to warm up...

Then the next time I got so HOT it took me sometime to get cool.
Do you have any answer why that would happen to me?


The doctor thinking decided to talk to the wife. He told her of her husbands concern.
She started to laugh well that old coot.

The first time was in the middle of the winter and the second time was in the middle of the summer.

[Fred Flintstone]

Falling down

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting,

"So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.
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"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."...

[bigc73542]

Questions that have Confused humankind!!


======================================================



a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll


squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"

a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"

a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?

a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs! 

a.. What do you call male ballerinas?

a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?

a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune? 

a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?

a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

[P.T.]

Clinton is in Heaven

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton".

"What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

[P.T.]

I just loved this one...

What should they say?

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

[bigc73542]

Weight Loss Plan 

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. 

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. 

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. 

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." 

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. 

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. 

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. 

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. 

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. 

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life. 

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me." 

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. 

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. 

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. 

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. 

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. 

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." 

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." 

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!" 

He lost 63 pounds that week.